


january 19

by tolvsmol



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, basically this is 1.4k words of contemplative neil, but it ends on a happy note, reminiscing on so many things and being a sap, theres like 0.2 seconds of butt touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 14:04:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9610667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolvsmol/pseuds/tolvsmol





	

Neil Josten was not one to make his birthday into a grand affair. In fact, he would have been fine if it weren’t an affair at all. January 19 was just another day; the only thing that made it remotely remarkable was that he’d created Neil Josten today. Neil Josten, a bundle of well-crafted lies and half-truths. He knew he would never be an honest man; he would always have a lie ready at the tip of his tongue, but he was trying. He was trying to become something _more_ than Neil Josten, the boy who came to the Foxes with only one duffel to hold every one of his possessions. So, no, he didn’t exactly consider January 19 to be of any significant importance. 

If he had to celebrate a day, he would’ve picked the day he forever said goodbye to Nathaniel Wesninski. When he cut the one identity that tied him directly to the Butcher. When he made Neil Josten a tangible reality rather than an imposter looking for a temporary relief. When he decided, in front of multiple witnesses, the person he was and who he wanted to be. When he made the conscious choice of accepting the family he knew would always be by side, if only he let them be.

Neil Josten may have been a boy running from his nightmares, but he would become a man defined not by his terrors but by everything that promised him a more fulfilling future.

So it was January 19 and Neil was at Eden’s Twilight, watching his friends and family enjoying themselves. They’d made Neil cut a cake earlier, after dinner. It was nothing extravagant, just a circular thing with orange icing and the words _Happy Birthday Neil_ in a dark red, a tiny fox paw dotting the two _I_ ’s. And for a moment Neil had expected himself to freeze. He’d expected to smell the sour tang of blood and feel the tip of Lola’s knife on his hands. He’d expected to remember the Nest and relive everything that happened to him – Tetsuji’s cane bringing him to his knees, Riko putting a knife in his mouth and slicing his chest, the brand of the number four on his cheek, the forceful return of Nathaniel. He’d expected to go back in time and see Drake’s blood on the floor of Nicky’s parents’ house and hear Andrew laughing maniacally.

But none of that happened. 

The only thing Neil saw and heard was his family gathered around the table at Wymack’s place and singing _Happy Birthday_ and the only thing he felt was Andrew standing someone behind him, immovable as always. Neil had already received his gifts from the Foxes throughout the day, so that was out of the way, and they spent another half an hour after dinner devouring the cake that Renee and Allison had made. It was a good cake and Neil was almost certain that Andrew alone ate at least a quarter of it.

Looking at them from the bar now, Neil was still a little perplexed. A few years ago he’d just been a boy on the run, changing his hair and accent as he saw fit. Telling people whatever lie that seemed the most believable at the time. Taking off from places and leaving people behind without a single backward glance.  He’d done it so many times. It had been so easy. Well, maybe not easy, because erasing a person, however much a fraud, wasn’t always easy, but it wasn’t _impossible_. He learned very quickly to let go of things he didn’t need for survival. These people? This family? He didn’t think he could ever simply walk away from them. He couldn’t walk away from Dan and Matt, who treated him like a brother and always looked out for him, even when they knew they didn’t need to. He couldn’t forget Allison and Renee, who spent hours touching up his bruised and battered face when he returned from the Nest. He knew he couldn’t leave behind Kevin or Nicky, or even the piece of shit Aaron, not after everything they’d survived together as a team.

And Andrew. Andrew, who’d promised to protect Neil without knowing a single true thing about him. Andrew, who had followed through with his promise in all the ways that mattered. Andrew, who’d gone back on his word to Kevin just to find Neil. Andrew, who’d considered Neil a pipe dream, who couldn’t afford the luxury of acknowledging his feelings. Andrew, who told Neil to stay and gave him a key. Andrew, who gave Neil a home and a family. Andrew, who was there when Neil Josten became _real_ in every sense of the word that mattered most. Andrew, who chose Neil over his own brother – the brother he had murdered for.

Neil couldn’t imagine a life without Andrew because it wouldn’t be much of a life.

Right now, Andrew moved from next to him, pressing a hand to the small of Neil’s back as he passed behind Neil. They’d both drank a little, just enough to be buzzed but not enough for Neil to miss anything. He followed Andrew’s movements across the bar until he slipped out into the night and Neil waited only a moment before following suit.

It was a cold night. Snow from that morning covered the ground in patches and Neil shoved his hands in his pockets. He stopped next to Andrew, who stood with a cigarette dangling from his lips, smoke coming out in puffs. Wordlessly, Andrew held it out for Neil after taking another drag. Neil shook his head; he wasn’t looking to smoke. He had enough drugs in his system for tonight and he just wanted to stand with Andrew. he just wanted to remember tonight.

“Spit it out, Neil,” Andrew said.

Neil lifted a shoulder, not knowing how to put his feelings in words, not knowing how to say it so that Andrew would understand. So he simply said, “I’m happy.” Andrew didn’t say anything. He blew out more smoke before glancing at Neil, and Neil knew it was Andrew’s way of asking him to elaborate. “I have a team. I have a family. And no one’s trying to take it from me.” He took a step closer to Andrew. “I have you. You have me.”

Andrew tilted his head back a little, eyes closing for a long moment. Then he said to Neil, “I don’t _have_ you. You don’t _have_ me.”

A smile twitched at Neil’s mouth because he’d known what Andrew would say. How Andrew would try to deflect the statement. Now, Andrew knew better than to deny that this was _something_. But that didn’t mean he simply accepted it without a fight. For Andrew, every day would be a fight. For Andrew, t _his_ would always be a fight. And that was okay.

“Okay,” Neil said, “But you know I’m not going anywhere, you made sure of that. So, yeah, you do have me.”

Andrew let the cigarette fall to the ground and stubbed it out with his boot. Neil tugged the sleeve of Andrew’s jacket, who didn’t resist, so Neil pulled him closer, until they were sharing breath and Neil said, “Yes?”

“Yes,” Andrew said, his mouth already on Neil’s, his lips warm and smelling of nicotine. This was one of two things that made Neil come alive, made his heart skip a beat and lose its rhythm, made him forget the world and everything else. This was the feeling he loved. Andrew’s hand slipped in the back pocket of his jeans and this new public boundary made his eyes snapped open, only to find Andrew already staring over Neil’s shoulder. They rarely kissed in public, and Andrew never did what he was doing now. Curiosity got the best of Neil and he looked back at whatever had Andrew’s attention; some guy in Andrew’s line of sight was scurrying away with his head hung low.

It took Neil a long minute to come up with a plausible explanation and then he couldn’t help but grin. “Did you just get jealous of someone I’ve never spoken to?”

“Don’t say stupid things.”

Smile still in place, Neil leaned closer and pressed a kiss to Andrew’s cheek. This was nice. He hadn’t asked for any of this. He could never have dreamed of a life this fulfilling. But this was nice.


End file.
